Once upon a time, I started a blog.
I loved it, experimented with it, and participated in all sorts of challenges. It had its own logo. People sought me out to review their work because they thought my blog mattered. I thought my blog mattered.
And then there was silence.
Silence happens for so many reasons. We feel like we have said everything we can or that someone else is saying what we want to say much better. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk anymore because it all seems like noise.
Other times, we fall silent because there is too much to say, yet we are too weak or tired or overwhelmed to say it. So we just keep it, assuming that the world doesn’t need it anyways.
All of these are reasons for my silence. Mostly, I felt like I had nothing left to say.
Perhaps the biggest change in my life has been starting work on my PhD. For the past 13 months, I have been enrolled at Texas Tech on the path to becoming Dr. Kelly instead of plain Ms. Kelly.
Somewhere in the middle of that tangle is where I am now. It is exhausting. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I question myself, my skills, my knowledge, and my tenacity constantly. Of course, this happens to most doctoral students, I suppose, but the burn in real, my friends.
So why back to my little blog after all this time? Two things, actually. First, I am taking a class on creating writing centered classrooms. In this week’s discussion board, we had to examine how we fell in or out of love with writing. I realized in completing that assignment that I never fell out of love with it, I just lost it along the way. Granted, I write all the time–emails, essays, proposals–but I no longer write because it’s fun. That fact, when I say it in that way, breaks my heart just a little.
The second reason for my return comes from, for lack of a better word, stubbornness. I received an email telling me it was time to renew my site registration. As I read it, I thought, “Is it time to let this go? I haven’t written in over a year. Are blogs even still a thing? Who cares?” Rather than cancel or commit, I decided to sleep on it.
The next day I was at my boyfriend’s place (yes, I have a boyfriend, so that’s a thing too) and he was talking about a girl he had once thought about dating. He had read an update on what she is doing now, which included how she had not finished some of the things she had been working towards when he knew her.
“She’s a quitter,” he told me. I argued that I was a quitter, too.
“Name one thing you have quit.”
I thought for a minute. There are things that didn’t work out. But I have not really ever quit anything.
“You aren’t a quitter,” he reminded me.
So here I am, not a quitter, trying to find my writing mojo once again after the silence. I have no idea what that may look like, but I am excited to find out.
Stay tuned . . .